hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
