if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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