somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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