I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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