I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Houston, we have a blender
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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