Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
