My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
