It's Friday. Sex?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
