I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
