i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize