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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  didn't that happen to you last weekend?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up.

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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• (305): View more from Florida

  What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.

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• (810): View more from Michigan

  Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.

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• (619): View more from California

  my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.

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• (907): View more from Alaska

  I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.

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• (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.

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