***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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