Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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