Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
