It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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