Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
