I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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