I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
NoShamevember. You game?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
