I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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