Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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