i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
