you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize