I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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