He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
