I can tuck mytits in my pants
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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