LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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