I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
