**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
