just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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