so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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