someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize