I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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