If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
