that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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