Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
