babies were throwing up all over the place
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
