i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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