That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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