I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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