if you like me you must not know who I am
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
