I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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