Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
