listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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