there's paper in my vomit.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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