Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
