The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
what day is it and did you see me today?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
So squirting runs in the family.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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