Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
