I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
