Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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