A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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