I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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