just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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