Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
