i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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