Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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