he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
