The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize