Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
