We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
