Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
