my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
